I never thought I would be called to help people on their faith walk. Like ever. But life has a funny way of surprising you. I'll start at the beginning, the beginning of my story. It's a story of highs and some dark lows, some bad influences and ultimately the best influence. There will be some heartache, a lot actually, a long lonely trudge through the wilderness while wearing an exterior of successful female business owner who has it all together. But I didn't.
Am I equipped, educated, PERFECT to be writing on Jesus? No. I'm just a girl that's chased Him down and spent a lot of time getting to know His heart. And He knows mine.
Heads up, I'm likely to forget a capital H here and there, don't judge me. If you feel compelled to judge just know that I am flawed, scared to share, but I am following the call He has put on my heart to share. So let's light the torch and head off into the wilderness and see what we find!
Here's my tale...
I'm a CPA (certified public accountant), I've owned my own practice for a long time, since 2006, OnaWay, LLC. This makes me practical, technical, knowledgeable. I take hard things and make them simple to understand. I help people with a lot of emotional trials around money, their business, life and death. You wouldn't think that of a CPA but we do, I get the call they don't want to make to anyone else. Why? Because I'm responsible, grounded and VERY busy. My career as a CPA has been the source of much beauty and significant pain, it's a big contributor of what's to come.
Rewind to my childhood. I love my parents but life growing up wasn't easy. There was a lot of fighting mostly over money. Drinking, parties and men passed out that my little legs had to straddle to get over to the bathroom. I was taught that religious people were bigots'. Judgmental, self-righteous and I was not one of them and they would not welcome me. Unfortunately that was reinforced with some bad first impressions.
I was born with spiritual ears. What that means is I have a natural ability to hear from the spiritual realms. Before I lose you, CPA remember.. grounded. Things like this don't totally go away, even when you ignore them. As I got older I wanted to understand it, by this time I realized everyone wasn't wired this way. I wasn't the only one in my family like this so they attached it to the only thing they could, New Age, the land of mediums, psychics etc etc etc. With no where else to turn I started to study this in my free time. People started coming out of the woodwork from every walk of life and profession with similar abilities. Insurance, doctors, real estate professionals, men, women, young, old. I was good. Too good. This is when the tale starts going south.
You shouldn't mess with things that can chew you up and spit you out for breakfast. I started to self destruct, unhappy was an understatement and I was hell bent on destroying everything I had spent my life building.
I was married and talking divorce, had a few miscarriages under my belt, I was business partners in a restaurant and was forcing my way out, I was on the fringe of an affair, my stability was an earthquake fissure that was widening. My health was tanking and I shut out almost everyone. But on the outside everything looked grand.
At night I would cry myself to sleep, the pain was just too much. At this time suicide thoughts started to come. Scary things were starting to happen from the spiritual side. I was in a full on war and was totally clueless.
In the middle of these fitful nights I started waking up and I'd hear one word being spoken over me. Not with my physical ears but with my spiritual ears. When that happened a peace I had never experienced in my life would envelope me. Back to sleep I went and back came the pain.
Each night, same thing, this went on for a whole summer. Finally about 3 months later I had written down each word and here's what it said
Release the darkness, replace with the contentment of Jesus's heart within my own.
It was a prayer. a PRAYER. Stunned was an understatement. In that moment all I did was wonder, what would Jesus's heart feel like?
My friends, this was spiritual warfare and I was the bait. Jesus knocked and I answered with my wonder of his heart. In that moment, I knew I would chase Him anywhere. He saved my life.
It took a while, this is what they mean when they say you take a walk through the wilderness. But now it's different, now your not alone, now you have a Knight standing watch and walking right beside you.
Slowly, I healed, my life restored. My marriage healed. That was actually the first commitment I made to myself as a Christian, what kind of wife do I want to be? A committed one, through thick and thin. The ground I stood on stopped shaking and started turning to solid rock.
I threw every new age book in the trash and spiritually slammed closed every door, nook and cranny it could crawl out from. I'd say I only want to hear from the highest, I laugh at how naïve I was but it worked!
I know I'm not the only little girl out there that has spiritual ears, and I pray that they find someone who can lead them on the right path with it. A healthy, safe, empowering path. It's a dangerous place to play if your on the wrong side of the tracks.
It's been a long time since those dark confusing days. I'd like to say it was a cakewalk but it wasn't. I lost friends who didn't resonate with 'religious people'. Had to tiptoe around my mom who wasn't a fan. It was lonely at times but I had a teacher, the best teacher you could ever have, I had Jesus.
Every night I journal, if I'm out and the clock strikes 7:00pm, I feel the call in my spirit and I have to go. That might sound rigid, and I'm not saying its a requirement but it's the way it is for me. During that time I journal, I ask questions and I get clarity. Most often it comes from expanding upon scripture and parables that can be applied towards my situation.
That is what I am sharing with you now, here at know His heart. I was utterly terrified to do this, but when God places a call on your heart you can dodge it for awhile but eventually you can't outrun it, and you don't want too. The feeling when you take steps in the direction of His call, well, it's peace.
That deep, wonderful, glorious peace that He filled in me when I needed it most. I want you to have that. I want you to know His heart. And I want Him to know yours.
I hope you find my style approachable and relatable. At the end of the day, the absolute treasure of knowing Jesus comes down to relationship. And we can only have a true relationship when we are truthfully ourselves.
